i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why can't burritos get me drunk
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize