I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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