it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
