Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
