I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
