I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
