I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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