I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize