Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
