I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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