I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize