:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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