After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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