This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Help. Why am I so naked?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
