Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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