She said her name was "party"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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