and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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