She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
