I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
