Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
