did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
