Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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