oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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