screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
