I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
