I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Say something about gay babies.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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