went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
