I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
