I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
