I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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