This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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