We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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