i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
