the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
