he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
