New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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