btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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