we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
