i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
