dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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