I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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