Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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