i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
