I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
