A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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