Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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