I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
