why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
