Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
