Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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