hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
