Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
