Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
