Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
