we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
