they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize