Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I've blown a few things in my day
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
